Pregnant? Say what?!

Well kids, here we are. Almost two years now since Will’s death. Today is a shitty day. I am having an emotional meltdown, it’s a melt-apocalypse. It’s the dreams, they come back so strong this time of year. Sometimes I think I will spend the rest of my existence in my dreaming hours searching for him and my waking hours missing him so fiercely everything aches.

And “missing him” is such a tame expression for what it really is. I am craving my son; my body and mind still scream for him to be back here with me and no amount of time seems to change that.

I laugh the most when I desperately want to cry. I wonder if I sound brittle to just my ears or if everyone else can hear it, too.

This is hell.

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It’s hard to believe that today I would have been celebrating Will’s two year birthday. My little man would have been walking, talking, and generally being a happy little boy. I still miss him. It both feels like he was just born and like it was eons ago. Hard to believe. This is just a marker in time and I try not to get so worked up about it but dreams and memories have a way of sneaking up on you and bringing back the grief. I still miss him so much. He was very special to me.

I’d like to sit here and say I’m going to allow myself the luxury of a nice pity party but really I’m just trying to be real about this. He’s gone. I still can’t change that. I’m acknowledging his birthday today because I have so little of him. I’m keeping this and holding on to it.

Happy Birthday, baby. Momma loves you.

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Children and mothers never truly part – Bound in the beating of each other’s heart. -Charlotte Gray

Today I’d like to honor all the mothers I know and those I hope to know one day. If your child is young or old, male or female, alive or gone from this world, it doesn’t matter what your situation is or where your life has taken you – be blessed and be happy. Life is too short for regrets, please trust me when I say this because I know.

Mother’s Day is both difficult for me and yet a celebration. I was born on Mother’s Day so it holds even more significance for me and my momma. Growing up, I took great pride in the fact that I chose to make my entrance into the world on this day and making her a mother for the first time. This year I wasn’t able to celebrate it with her in person and we are many miles apart but I know we will be thinking of each other and loving each other a little harder today.

Sadly, Will was already gone from this world my first Mother’s Day as a mom. But I hold his memory close to my heart and love him a little harder, just as my momma has always done for me. I choose to honor his memory by thinking of his smile, his beautiful eyes, and the way he snuggled so warmly in my arms. I hope that all moms who have lost their precious children choose this day as a way to honor the ones gone from this world as well. We have to celebrate the good things, the beauty of our lives, and the precious moments that make life so worth living. So if you can – don’t grieve but instead celebrate and find the joy! I will and I will be thinking of you all as well.

A mother has, perhaps, the hardest earthly lot; and yet no mother worthy of the name ever gave herself thoroughly for her child who did not feel that, after all, she reaped what she had sown.-Henry Ward Beecher

For those of you who may be curious, I am doing very well. I am continuing to live my life by thriving in my business. I’ve come out of my shell and choosing to spend time with good people. I’m getting stronger and getting more brave. I’m not so scared to take chances anymore. My momma once told me that love is a choice, and I have chosen to surround myself with those I care about and choose to love. Life is good.

Love, peace, and chicken grease….

Chris

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It’s hard to believe I’ve had this website now for 2 years. I’m sure you’ve all noticed I’ve been rather quiet these last few months.

What is there to write about, really? Some good things, some bad things.

My divorce is final. DaRon and I still keep in touch, he is doing wonderfully. He finally got a great job with the government doing computer helpdesk work and from what he’s saying he really loves it. He’s in a game design school and thriving. Though we’re not together, it’s good that we have moved past so much of what made us hurt and can still communicate from time to time. I have a lot of respect for him and am so happy to see that he’s pulled his life around.

Bella went back to her mom the beginning of November. That was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. We had bonded and it felt like I was losing a baby again. But she’s where she belongs and from what my sister tells me she is doing fabulous and loving life and her big brother and sister. I’m so glad she’s doing well and thrilled that she is with her family. Now if only I could get her busy momma to get all the kids on webcam… (hint, hint)

My dad finally got a great job and so they are in the process of moving to Albuquerque. All you Albuquerque Farkers be nice if you run across some Coloradans. Who knows, if you’re real nice my momma might let you ride her horse, haha!

Me? My business is doing well. Pretty soon I’ll have to start turning away new clients. At this point in my life, I’m happy to pay my bills and have a little left over to do some fun things. I have no plans to work for a company as an employee as I really love the flexibility my clients give me. I’m still in school working on my Bachelor’s in Business Management and Accounting.

I’ve started to come out of the woodwork. I’m spending time with friends, making new ones but mostly, pushing past all the old hurt and pain. I still miss Will and grieve for him. The nightmares are less and less. It’s been about two months since the last time I woke up sobbing for him. So I’m making progress.

Currently, I’m sitting in the middle of boxes and stacks of things that still need boxed up. Tomorrow is moving day… again. My best friend and roomie with the mostest, Frank, met a beautiful, wonderful woman and proposed to her a couple months ago. So now, out with the old and in with the new! I couldn’t be more happy for them and am moving out so they can do all those newlywed things on the house that couples like to do. Moving back into Phoenix is a really good thing for me to do at this point. I’ll be centrally located to my clients and can now skip the hour and a half commute. Such a relief!

I started dating recently. Well, attempted it. LOL! It seems I have issues with labels and words like “girlfriend”, “commitment” and “love”. I’m not trying to seriously meet anyone so I think that’s why I end up in weird situations and hi-jinks of the bizarre kind. It’s been suggested frequently that I start a blog documenting the tales of my social life, such as it is. I’m still thinking about it but quite frankly, I’ve probably dated a few of you that read this and though we’ve had some funny moments – would someone be pleased to read a story that sounds vaguely familiar and then – BAM! oh yeah that’s you? Yeah, probably not. However, keep up the comedic works guys because my parents love it when I call them and share my crazy stories. And yes, I tell my parents about this stuff. We’re that tight, yo.

This morning I packed up what was left of all my memories of Will into one cardboard box. I’m working on finding a cool trunk or chest that I can keep them in but for now the box is what I’ve got. One box, that’s what’s left. Mind boggling. But a friend made a very good point to me this morning and I’m so grateful she said it because I was kind of feeling sorry for myself. She said, “That’s all every mother has, whether our babies become adults or angels.” So true, and again thank you for bringing me back to reality.

Sometimes it’s weird when people call me a mom. I’m used to being so many things, having so many titles. But being “Mom” was the title I held for the shortest amount of time. But I am a mom. And I’m a damn good one. Whether I’m a mom to my son, to my niece for a short while, or to a crazy kitty… I’m a mom.

But I’m also Christen, or as known by most, Chris. I’m just this 29 year old chick who’s trying to be herself and not screw up anyone else’s life in the process. It’s interesting, sometimes fun, sometimes sad. But my life is just like yours. Figuring it out one day at a time.

On a final note, this May I am turning 30. Not sure how that happened. Must be the whole earth is spinning thing that happens. I am enrolling in a course to learn how to ride motorcycles. Probably the one thing I shouldn’t share since this might give my parents yet another thing to worry about with me but it’s been on my list for years and I’m going to do it. I’m also taking a cruise this year, another thing on my list.

Life shouldn’t be about regrets but about forward motion and waking up happy with who you are. Take the advice of someone who knows… get out of bed today. Clean something, learn something new… figure out how to be yourself and love that about you!

Peace and chicken grease,

Chris

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Its another day. And with every new day, there are things to do and outlooks to improve upon. My niece loves peek-a-boo. She’s also discovered the cats don’t like paper bags. I think she’s found immense amusement from that. All of this of course entertains me!

My life isn’t perfect. Far from it, actually. But I can honestly tell you that things could be so much worse. This past week hit me very hard, so much harder than I thought it would that it completely knocked me down again. For several days there everything felt so very fresh again. Coping with this kind of intense emotion is a scary prospect. But one that I believe parents who have lost children learn to deal with. As I am trying to. Having Bella here helps. She gives me a reason to get up every day. The little kiddo requires a lot of maintenance and attention.

Today, Bella and I are dancing to Ben E. King and Aretha Franklin. If I wish Will was here dancing with us too well then maybe he is. Bella is a music lover, just like the rest of my family. I’m finally able to sing to her without breaking down. I sang to Will all the time. Her face lights up every time I sing and I can tell she’s trying to figure it all out. I’m glad I’ve discovered this side of her. To think I could have missed out by saving that as a shrine to my son.

So today, bittersweet. But progress.

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A year ago today you were born, my little man. I wish we could have celebrated the way it was meant to be celebrated. Instead of on a blog about a sad woman’s struggle to try and survive the death of her 3 month old baby. It’s not the happiest time for me but your momma will make it. I always do. I just wish I could hold you one more time. That’s your birthday wish for me today, little one. Maybe tonight in my dreams I will see you again and there I will hold you.

It still hurts like it was yesterday but I miss you like its been forever and a day.

All my love and Happy 1st Birthday to my little one.

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So while I’m supposed to be doing a million other things, the one thing I find myself fixated right now is the death of others. A pal of mine from Fark.com, known by his Fark handle as Naskar, very recently passed on. I was sad to hear this and mad at myself for losing touch with so many people. Things can change in the blink of an eye. Friends suffering from illnesses and undergoing huge life changes to beat the odds and come out on the other end relatively unscathed, children passing away, relatives moving on… sometimes it just feels like too much.

So though I sit here and grieve for what I’ve lost and what I could have done differently, I try to remind myself of what I have done – and what I did right. I don’t think when a person’s life ends and they look back they think, “Look at what that person didn’t do for me.” I truly believe that they look back and go, “Man what a ride – and how awesome that I had these people to share it with me.”

No matter how short or how long that life is, when you take a moment to appreciate it, that life is worth living. No matter how bad it gets or how bad it sucks. No matter the odds – it doesn’t matter what the doctors tell you. Every moment is worth it as long as you believe it is worth it.

Will’s life, every second of it – was worth it to me. And I truly believe it was worth it to him. I can’t imagine anyone I know who has passed on or who suffers through some really crappy times right now not being able to honestly say, “It’s worth it.” Because it really is. In your darkest moment and in your darkest hour I want you to remember my words.

It’s worth it.

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Hi there!

So you’re probably thinking, “Where’s Chris been?” Well… Chris has been taking it one day at a time. And quite frankly, I haven’t had a whole lot to say. I’m not even sure I have a lot to say right now either but I felt like it was time to let you all know that yes I am still alive and kicking, albeit somewhat halfheartedly.

Pretty much no one knows this yet but I am hitting a new chapter in my life in two major ways. Firstly, my sister was able to get some things in her life worked out. We are all proud of her as she has undergone some significant changes and is hoping to be back on track as soon as possible and get back to the business of raising her kids. So I will be taking Bella home. Not sure when exactly but I imagine in the very near future.

Secondly, DaRon and I are getting a divorce. This may come as a shock to you all but unfortunately there were difficulties that could not be overcome. To be perfectly honest with you, this was my decision and I felt it was the best one to make for me though I do feel a lot of regret over what this situation puts DaRon through. However, I hope in time that he will come to see what I have and that parting ways is the best for both our sanity and our well being.

That being said, I am working on transitioning so things are pretty fluid for me right now. I’m also working with my dad on building a website for my business and I hope to gain more clients from that. While I’m in school and taking care of Bella, I especially need to be able to support myself so I am looking forward to new opportunities.

Well that’s it for now. This one is short but not sweet. Things just keep changing and I have to roll with it or get stuck.

I hope you all are well. I may have a hard time keeping in touch but you are all in my thoughts. Much love to you!

Peace and chicken grease,

Chris

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Okay so first off I’d just like to point out that there have been no other drastic changes in my life since my last post. Good grief I think I really would become certifiable if that were the case. There’s only so much change that a person can deal with, you know? Let’s break down my last year and a half:

-sworn to remain unwed for the remainder of my days (nasty divorce)
-couldn’t handle the title of “boyfriend” with anyone I was seeing (sorry guys, I couldn’t. It just freaked me out- but you know I love you like a fat kid loves chocolate cake, right?)
-got pregnant (doctors still had their heads scratching over that one, you’d think they had lice or something)
-moved in with the man I had finally started to tell people was my boyfriend (don’t worry, he knew that – poor guy)
-experienced the myriad of emotions and hormones associated with growing Will (still the best thing to ever happen to me)
-company I worked for shut their doors so I lost my job (there goes my financial independence!)
-moved, had Will and then DaRon lost his job all in the same week (yes, my blood pressure was very high during that period of time)
-spent 3 grueling months in the hospital with Will (so very worth it, I would gladly make the trip every day to this day if it meant he could still be here with me)
-brought Will home and he died in my arms about 18 hours later (that forever alters a person, I don’t recommend it)
-married DaRon (thought it felt right to do, I would not recommend that most people do this during grief as it may cause dizziness and objects may often appear closer in mirror then they actually are)
-managed not to commit suicide the following three months after Will’s death (honestly I’m scratching my head over that one, looks like the Docs passed the lice on to me)
-decided to raise my youngest niece, Bella (now I’m up to my eyeballs in cloth diapers and baby giggles)
-taking a deep breath (I need a nap)

So yeah, it’s been a crazy year and a half. I’m slowly coming out of my funk. I’m no longer fueled by raging hormones or raging grief. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still pissed off as hell that Will died but it’s that impotent fury that you can’t do anything about other than try and find a constructive outlet to work it out of your system. But it doesn’t lead me around by the nose anymore. For that I am grateful. I think I will need an anti-depressant of a sort for a little while. If anyone has any herbal recommendations that would be great as I am currently uninsured and my financial resources are on the limited side.

If doing the dishes feels like an insurmountable hurdle in my life, I’m pretty sure I need a little help to get me in the right place emotionally. I have never felt so drained of energy before. For those that know me personally, I’ve always been on the go with things to do, people to see and always a to-do list to knock out. Lately my to-do list consists of things like “take a shower today you ‘tard” and “don’t forget to brush your teeth swamp mouth”. Yeah, and let’s not get into the unfortunate lapses in deodorant I’ve discovered at inopportune times. *sigh*

So in short, I’m still a mess. But my sense of humor is starting to come back so for that I am thankful. Now I need to get rid of my post-emergency-c-section-body before I develop what I’ve come to abhorrently refer to as “front-butt”. You all know what I’m talking about, right?

You’re minding your own business as you pull up to the pharmacy parking lot and as you’re searching your over-stuffed wallet for the insurance card you haven’t used in at least six months; you glance up and happen to notice a woman with a stomach that has indentations suspiciously resembling the shape of a butt crack. “Front-Butt.” I have nightmares about that crap. I’ve sworn to myself that this will not happen but oh dear God it terrifies me.

I’ve seen some ugly things in my life, folks. I’ve seen a 400 pound woman stroll into Wal-Mart in Speedo biking capris and a hot pink tube top. I’ve seen people scratch their ass and sniff as they meander through fancy-schmancy downtown Scottsdale shopping, for the love of Pete I’ve seen grown men stick bottle rockets in unmentionable places and light them off on a DARE but I will tell you…

Front Butt scares me the worst. I plead with you all most sincerely and most desperately – if you ever see me with Front Butt, please just kill me. I beg you. Have mercy and end it.

And on that lovely visual note – I’m off to go drink another cup of coffee in the hopes that the spike in caffeine will encourage me to clean out the garage. Or take a shower. Either one will work.

Peace and love to you all,

Chris

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I’ve been thinking for several days, weeks even, about writing this post. It’s been hard for me to write, for a couple reasons.

The first is the fact that there are only so many times I can publicly display my grief without it getting to me. I’m getting to the point where sometimes I can talk about Will and I can be very matter of fact. I’m glad for that, remembering him keeps him alive for me. Other times it’s as simple as walking by his room, or seeing a couple with their newborn and then my grief becomes uncontrollable. Weeping in public or around others has never been something I’ve done and now it seems I can’t stop it when it happens. Luckily, I’ve managed to keep a lid on it at work. Yes, I am finally employed again. It’s a part-time job, I’m not sure I could handle much more than that what with school and everything else going on but it really has helped to have something to do away from the house. It gives me focus and in a way I think it helps burn off some of my unruly emotions.

The second reason it’s been hard to write has to do with my family. It’s been a rocky year for us, tumultuous with both amazing happiness and terrible sorrow. I am the oldest of four girls, my sister – the second and a year younger than me, is waiting in jail for her trial to start. Some things have happened that have forever changed her life and that of her three children. Things are not looking too good for her right now and unfortunately none of us are in a position to help her. Quite honestly, I think the most help she could get would be that of the psychological variety. I pray she gets it. I don’t feel comfortable speaking about the details of her circumstances and quite frankly, my opinions on it do not matter one way or the other. She will be given her chance to either make things right or be proven innocent as our judicial system sees fit.

With that said, my family has been left with the responsibility of her three children. A 7 year old daughter, a 5 year old son, and an almost 4 month old daughter. I wanted to take all three of them, of course. Before I moved away from Colorado I spent as much time with my sister’s kids as I could, as I love them dearly. For now, my parents will keep the older two. I think being in the Colorado mountains on property with horses and chickens and other animals is very therapeutic for them. They may stay with my folks permanently or they may come to me in time.

While we were in Colorado last week for Charity’s wedding (the 3rd of us 4), DaRon and I picked up Bella, the not quite 4 month old. The State allowed us to take her, with her mother’s blessing and legal documents authorizing it. So once again, we are immersed in the world of babyhood.

Let me tell you, this is not a world I thought I would ever be in again for some time, if ever. Never in my wildest imaginations did I suspect that the niece born so shortly after my son died would come to us. She is a happy little baby. Often times she does things that remind me of Will and it is bittersweet. But it’s good to remember those things and if she helps me to do that then her presence here is even more of a blessing. I try to remember that her stay with us may be very short so I’m determined to enjoy every minute of her, to be grateful for the soothing balm her laughter gives my soul. If we find ourselves in a permanent situation with Bella, then I will consider it a joy to raise her. I promised her mother I would give her a happy home and take very good care of her for however long she is here. I could do no less for my family, for my blood.

So this first week with here with us has been a flurry of activity, getting things Bella needed and regrouping. I cleaned out Will’s room yesterday. Chicken that I am I couldn’t do it alone. Thank God for Betsy, she came to my rescue and just let me cry intermittently between packing and sorting, deciding what Bella could use and what I would save for my memories of Will. His room had become a shrine. It was a necessity to go through it all but doing it almost felt like he had died all over again. My little baby, I miss him so much.

For the first time ever, the room has a crib. In place of browns and blues there now resides pinks and various baby girl colors that proudly proclaim “a little girl lives here!” in Winnie the Pooh and flowers. Dresses and tiny stockings and hairbands… oh boy what have I gotten myself into?

Remember kids, I was ecstatic about having a boy because I was terrified of screwing up a girl with baseball hats and skateboards. At least I like shoes and purses so maybe it’ll all even out.

That’s the latest. Strange and sordid and confusing as it is. I still shake my head wondering what could possibly be next. Good Lord do I even dare wonder that?

Overall, the most important thing is that the children are safe, healthy, and happy. And they are. If I compulsively check to make sure an almost 4 month old little girl is still breathing… well, it is what it is.

Mellowness to all,

Chris

Tags: baby girl, busy, change, Family, grief
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